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Mothering yourself — A Different Kind Of Mothers Day Contemplation

14 May

My mother died almost 12 years ago. But long before that i had to take on mothering myself and making sure that my needs were met. Have you learned this skill?

Mothers make sure that the needs of their children are met. Mothering yourself, to me, means to make sure that your needs are met. You may call it self-care—but do not confuse it with what is generally considered to be self-care for a woman: getting a massage or a facial now and then. Self-care is more than that. It includes all that is necessary to make you blossom.

Self-care is not taught in schools and it’s not necessarily a part of our upbringing either. And if you grew up to be a “good girl,” chances are that you have a hard time with mothering yourself. The more you are trained to focus on the needs of others, the harder it is to make room for your own needs.

Here are some tips for self-care on a daily basis:

1) Be kind to yourself. Don’t allow your inner critic to put you down constantly. Cut yourself some slack. Treat yourself with as much kindness as you would extend to others.

2) Trust your instincts. Allow your inner voice and your gut feelings to have a say. Don’t talk yourself out of what intuitively feels right. Learn how to cultivate the connection to your inner voice, which leads to:

3) Make time to get in touch with your inner voice. To hear your inner voice, you need to cultivate quiet time. A great time to cultivate the connection to your inner voice is just after waking up in the morning. If you can, make time to write down your dreams or any streams of consciousness. Another way to connect with your inner voice is to go out in nature—go for walks or spend time in your garden. It really helps to turn off your cell phone when you try to connect with your inner voice. Try to take time out every day for quiet moments, even if it is only 10 minutes.

4) In order to implement 3) you need to learn this fundamental skill: to speak your truth and say ‘yes’ when you mean it, and ‘no, thank you’ when you choose not to do something. In order to say yes to yourself you have to learn to say no more often. Being a people pleaser has only very short-term advantages. They appreciate you for a moment, and then continue with their day. Learning how to say ‘no’ to others and ‘yes’ to yourself will be a game changer.

5) And lastly, stay away from the word SHOULD. It represents a cultural or collective imperative, that force that created the ‘good girl’, and rarely has to do with you and your needs. Become aware of your own use of the word ‘should.’ If you can replace it with ‘I want’ or ‘I will’ do so. If you cannot replace it with ‘I want’ or ‘I will’ it’s a word that presses you into something that has nothing to do with you. And, stay clear from those who tell you what you should do.

These tips are a starter kit. I’d be happy to help you as you implement this kit and move from striving to thriving.

If you find this article inspiring, please pass it on to others. Thank you!


Self-care does not come easy to many of us. If you would like to explore working with me and getting me on your support team, contact me at eva_at_evaruland.com.

© Eva Ruland, May 2017

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Stop comparing yourself to others

27 Feb

Recently, i heard a photographer say: “Stop comparing yourself to others. If you compare yourself you will ALWAYS lose.” She was talking about marketing and addressing other photographers and artists. But i think that what she said is true for everyone.

We are trained to compete and live up to other people’s standards. And we are trained to look for perfection. BUT: as long as we chase an abstract ‘perfect’ we neglect to look at who we truly are. We invest in where we will fail, as opposed to where we will shine.

We all are unique. There is no one else like you in the entire universe. But as long as you look to be perfect and measure it on someone who is not you, you dismiss yourself. As long as ‘perfect’ is measured on something outside of you, you will fail to become the unique you you are meant to be. Think of it as copying on a xerox machine. What is better, the original or its copy?

Comparing yourself is a default. You were trained to do so. It’s natural and most have made it their second nature.  Plus, it is easier to look outside of yourself for orientation.

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself. Not only do you need to cultivate the ability to listen carefully inside, you also need ways to face self doubt. You need to see with clarity what is fear, self-sabotage, and plain old habit. And yet, once you embark on the path of being you the reward is phenomenal.

Learn to be yourself. Learn to love yourself truly. Instead of spending hours, days, years, to become someone else, use your time and put it toward what is close to your heart. Follow your passion, live your purpose.

Stop the comparison game. Stop putting all your resources into becoming what you are not. Start to explore and honor your unique self, acknowledge yourself for who you are, and embrace what makes you special. You came into this life to be uniquely you. That’s where you will find inner and outer rewards.

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This might be difficult. Remember that you are going against a life-time of habit. If you experience difficulties, don’t be discouraged. Instead, consider getting help. Let me help  you be more yourself and discover a life of joy and ease. Click here to read more about my transformational approach and here to send me an email.

© Eva Ruland, February 2017