Tag Archives: joy

Stop comparing yourself to others

27 Feb

Recently, i heard a photographer say: “Stop comparing yourself to others. If you compare yourself you will ALWAYS lose.” She was talking about marketing and addressing other photographers and artists. But i think that what she said is true for everyone.

We are trained to compete and live up to other people’s standards. And we are trained to look for perfection. BUT: as long as we chase an abstract ‘perfect’ we neglect to look at who we truly are. We invest in where we will fail, as opposed to where we will shine.

We all are unique. There is no one else like you in the entire universe. But as long as you look to be perfect and measure it on someone who is not you, you dismiss yourself. As long as ‘perfect’ is measured on something outside of you, you will fail to become the unique you you are meant to be. Think of it as copying on a xerox machine. What is better, the original or its copy?

Comparing yourself is a default. You were trained to do so. It’s natural and most have made it their second nature.  Plus, it is easier to look outside of yourself for orientation.

It takes a lot of courage to be yourself. Not only do you need to cultivate the ability to listen carefully inside, you also need ways to face self doubt. You need to see with clarity what is fear, self-sabotage, and plain old habit. And yet, once you embark on the path of being you the reward is phenomenal.

Learn to be yourself. Learn to love yourself truly. Instead of spending hours, days, years, to become someone else, use your time and put it toward what is close to your heart. Follow your passion, live your purpose.

Stop the comparison game. Stop putting all your resources into becoming what you are not. Start to explore and honor your unique self, acknowledge yourself for who you are, and embrace what makes you special. You came into this life to be uniquely you. That’s where you will find inner and outer rewards.

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This might be difficult. Remember that you are going against a life-time of habit. If you experience difficulties, don’t be discouraged. Instead, consider getting help. Let me help  you be more yourself and discover a life of joy and ease. Click here to read more about my transformational approach and here to send me an email.

© Eva Ruland, February 2017

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Turning on the inner light

18 Dec

We have entered the darkest time of the year, marked by the Solstice, speedily approaching. In the old days, without electricity, indoor plumbing and built-in heat, the dead of winter must have been hard not just on one’s physical body but also on one’s mental state. In my imagination, that’s when some of our ancestors created rituals of light to ignite the spirit of hope, celebrating the solstice as a turning point of the year and marking the rebirth of light. Christmas, Chanukah, Deva Divali and others all fall around this time in the northern hemisphere.

I grew up with plenty of magical moments that were a part of our December, and light played a significant role in them. There were the late Sunday afternoons sitting by candle light and sharing stories and treats. I remember that every Christmas eve there was a huge Christmas tree standing in the corner of the living room, lit with many candles and made extra magical with sparklers. Our Christmas tree inspired awe in us youngsters, each time it was ritually lit. I loved the sparklers and the old glass ornaments topped with a hint of frosting, and the figurative ornaments which sent me on imaginary journeys, the birds sitting on branches dreaming of long flights to the south, the little white angel with the snow-white hair, and the sleigh made from glass beads, ready to cross Siberia or go straight to the North Pole. Now, in my daily practice i try to tap into the joy and wonder i experienced on the Christmas eves of my childhood.

When we experience joy (or awe) we shine—our inner light shines through. I am sure that you have seen a friend’s or loved one’s face light up when they hear of something that brings them joy. The light generated through joy makes them shine. And here is a little secret: you too will shine when you learn to cultivate joy.

How can you make your light shine more?

If i have learned one thing in the many years of being a student, teacher and coach, it is this: What we focus on prevails. I have learned that in order to experience joy i must nurture the potential of happiness inside me. Today i want to share just three strategies on how to cultivate joy and begin to turn on your inner light.

1) Focus on the positive.

This sounds like a no-brainer but if you are used to finding potential problems in every situation—which is how our brains are programmed to protect ourselves from possible adversaries—you are facing an uphill battle. You are embarking to undo not just a life-time of habit but also millions of years of evolutionary coding. Nevertheless, taking into account the brain’s plasticity your chances are good. For the holidays i recommend this:

Create positive experiences:

  • Set the intention to do something uplifting for yourself, and possibly for others. Plan uplifting activities. Ask yourself these questions: What makes my spirit soar? What nurtures my soul? What brings a smile on my face? Who makes me feel relaxed and comfy? Who inspires me? Who makes me laugh? Plan a gathering with someone who makes you feel good.
  • Instead of being the devil’s advocate, play with being the advocate of the light. Find the positive where you would habitually complain and focus on the negative. Share with others that you are experimenting with taking a positive stand. Invite them to join you in the experiment.
  • Do something new. Set the intention to be open to new experiences. Try looking at the world through a child’s eyes.
  • Be willing to say no to experiences that pull you down.
  • Limit time with negative people. If you can’t avoid seeing them (because they are family, for example) let them know ahead of time what your plan is. Interrupt the day with a nature walk to reset you.

Sometimes, creating a positive experience can be as easy as smiling at someone. Try it!

2) Cultivate gratitude.

Connect with all the positive in your life and stop taking it for granted. Be grateful for all you are and all you have. No, it’s not silly. It is awesome that your body is serving you so well even if other bodies seem more perfect, and even if yours is aging or having other problems. It has been with you for so many years and done so much for you. Wow. It is a blessing that you have a roof over your head, with indoor plumbing and running water. It is wonderful that you … fill in the blanks. Try writing down a list of things, big and small, that you are grateful for every day. Want to read more about gratitude?  Click here.

3) Acknowledge yourself for all of your efforts.

Yes, that includes efforts that did not quite succeed. You did something—that’s awesome. Celebrate when you created a great experiences for yourself or someone else. Celebrate when you did something new or something that seemed difficult. Give yourself credit for all the little things that nurture you or others. You fed the cat, you walked the dog, you went for a walk, you made the phone call you were dreading. All these are things to acknowledge yourself for.

And with everything, the more you practice the easier it gets and the more you’ll notice that what may seem tedious at first works. Best of luck cultivating joy and turning on the inner light!

How can you make your light shine more?

Need help? Visit my coaching website and contact me for coaching.

© Eva Ruland, December 2016

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More Freedom and Joy through Forgiveness 

10 Oct

While holding on to resentment freezes relationships and creates enemies—none of which is instrumental in making your life happier—there are great benefits to forgiving: it relaxes the tension between people, creates more connection, and gives you the freedom to continue with your life free of grudges—it makes energy available that can directly go into experiencing more joy.

The question is: how easily can you forgive? For me, forgiveness was hard to learn. In the family i grew up in we had our feelings but did not talk things through. Holding grudges was how we responded to things not going as we hoped or expected. I used to hold grudges forever. I could point exactly to the moment when a sibling, parent, or later my husband, did something that offended or pained me and would rub it in years later. “See, you did me wrong. How can i trust you now?” was my rationale. Not forgetting was my way of protecting myself from more hurt. Did it work? No. It took me years of meditation, happiness studies, and insight to learn that i not only hurt the other with my attitude—i also hurt myself by creating a bullet-proof separation between me and them. I freeze the relationship and make it conditional.

Nelson Mandela said: “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Forgiving does not mean to let the other off the hook and give them free license to continue with their thoughtlessness or abuse. Forgiving embraces their humanity and ours. They did something callous, imperfect. We were hurt by it. These facts stay. The basis of forgiveness is understanding that—paired with the hope that we can learn. We can learn to be more mindful of the other, and we can learn to not take everything personally. When someone lashes out to hurt, it usually has to do more with their past than with the present moment. Forgiveness can help break through old patterns. The energy that motivated the one who hurt our feelings is dispersed when we forgive. If we don’t forgive, we who got hurt take on the role of the victim and the negative energy intrinsic of being a victim attaches to us. We enter a karmic loop of perpetrator and victim and stay in it until we can forgive.

My most powerful example of the relief that forgiving can bring is forgiving my father. He was aloof toward me, and the only times he seemed to look at me with the eyes of fatherly pride was when he showed off my skills at the piano or pointed out my excellent grades in math to visiting uncles. In private, he was harsh and at times abusive to me. I grew up deeply wounded by his lack of positive bonding with me and held a life-long resentment that turned into “i hate my father” when i was a teenager. One day, already in my 30s, a continent away, and divided from him by the veil of death, i decided to clear my relationship with him. I went on a profound shamanic journey with the clear intent to speak my truth to my father. I did not expect what happened. He spoke back to me and expressed how sorry he was for failing me. He explained his situation and made me see that his lack of expressing care was not meanness directed at me but a part of his situation and human limitation. He asked for my forgiveness and i granted it. This gesture of the heart set me free from decades of pain and changed my relationship patterns more than anything else.

When we speak our truth and open up to hear the other who also opens up to share their humanity and their truth, we gain freedom. If you haven’t yet, start to experiment with forgiveness. See what happens when you let go of resentment and invite the other to let go of defensiveness. Be prepared for amazing results.

*You know about the season of forgiving if you are Jewish. As we are approaching Yom Kippur we are in the midst of the season of forgiveness. In Jewish culture the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is the holy time of reviewing the last year, clearing and resolving troubled relationships, and resetting for a fresh start. This life review does not just lead to making resolutions to become a more patient parent or more loving partner; it leads to naming one’s shortcomings vis-a-vis others and includes asking their forgiveness. And in turn, others may come and ask yours. It’s the season of forgiveness. I feel that we all can learn from this tradition that honors awareness and emphasizes relationships and community.

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The Magic in Gratitude

1 Nov

In contemporary Western culture, the idea of gratitude is something that we draw attention to only once a year, on that third Thursday of November. The other 364 days are filled with achievement, desire, and gratification to accomplish all of the things that others want and expect from us. In the busy-ness of everyday life, we are left with little time and inclination to pause and contemplate gratitude.

In Buddhism, gratitude—along with other attitudes of the heart, such as generosity and kindness—is considered one of the eight paths to happiness. And, as far as I can tell, this is grounded in solid experience of the human psyche. It took me some navigating to fully commit to and understand the power of gratitude apart from the polite “thank you.” But being polite has rather little to do with the authentic, or heart-centered, feeling of giving thanks.

Gratitude collage

Gratitude collage reflecting my summer visit to Germany

I first started experimenting with gratitude when my world felt rather glum. The idea was to use gratitude to bring light into a dim situation. Did it work? Yes, it did.

 

What did I do?

Every night before I settled into bed, I created a gratitude list in my journal. When you’re feeling glum, it is not easy to come up with anything positive for which to give thanks. Nevertheless, you can uncover basic gifts of your existence:

Today, I am grateful for making it through another day.

Today, I am grateful for having a house/apartment to shelter me.

There are so many things to be grateful for: your life; your body; the use of your arms, hands, feet, legs; the sun that shines; the rain; the food you eat; a random friendly smile; the friend you talked to; the seasons; nature….. As your outlook gets lighter, gratitude tends to flow more easily.

Gradually the darkness in my soul and my gratitude list became more playful — I began to notice the songs of the birds. And as my awareness for the positive grew, I began to see the light again. Eventually i turned my mind to the possibility of a positive future. And, voila, it unfolded. My experiment proved that gratitude has nothing to do with any outer situation or riches. It is an inner attitude.

Recently, I conducted a second gratitude project. This time, it was not about me but about others. Because i knew from own experience that gratitude has a tremendous power to transform I wanted to share in order to inspire others to try out a gratitude practice for themselves. I began posting a daily gratitude thought on Facebook. The response exceeded my expectations. Many shared the things they were grateful for as comments on my wall. Others started posting their own gratitude thoughts on their Facebook walls to share with their friends. In a short time there was an entire wave of gratitude sweeping through my corner of Facebook. I received notes from people saying they were looking forward to finding my daily gratitude posts and adding their own. Others thanked me for the inspiration to post their gratitude. My hope that others would follow my example and post something they were grateful for was more than rewarded. Then came the real surprise. After engaging in this public gratitude practice for about five months, I began to notice that I was much happier than I had been, and for no ‘real’ reason. I had not moved to my dream house, and the world at large was still not at peace. All that had changed was that I had picked up on my old gratitude practice again. There it was, confirming once again: A gratitude practice leads to more happiness. And doesn’t it make so much sense? Focusing on the good lifts the spirit and contributes to an overall sense of positivity and so enhances our happiness.

 

Try it for yourself.

Gratitude 101: All you need is a journal or notebook, or, if you prefer to do it publicly and inspire others as well, a Facebook wall. Choose one time every day to think about what you are grateful for. I recommend doing it either first thing in the morning or last thing at night, but it can be done any time of day with consistency. It takes only a couple of minutes. Write down at least one item (or create a list of things) for which you are grateful. Commit to doing it for at least 4 months. Soon enough, you’ll notice how you reap more happiness!

Gratitude 102: If you have a practice of sharing meals with your partner, children, or colleagues, suggest focusing on positive experiences and thoughts over the meal. Share your gratitude and invite them to share theirs. And do this not just on Thanksgiving. The positive will beget more positivity!

© Eva Ruland, November 2013

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